Camouflage

My classes are pretty much full of the Popularese. No one else seems to have felt any sort of difference between those who ARE the popular type, and those who are not . . . probably because they are all part of one we-are-all-friends-here grapevine, which I just CANNOT get used to.

If you need a refresher on what Popularese are - something I made a name for - see my post on them: http://onlymetoeversee.blogspot.ca/search?q=Popularese

Anyway: I no longer think that there are Social Blocks here. I've been talking to almost everyone now, without problems - I mean, I'm reining in my stuttering, so I'm not too embarrassed. But I think that if I speak to them, they will speak back. I don't think they've noticed anything out of the ordinary.

Okay, that came out wrong. It sounds like I was expecting them to feel so awkward around me that conversations would be short and kind of painful. But . . . they're not. I've asked them for directions once, for instance. That went all right. I suppose I just have to maintain Casual Normality. I don't have to do that around friends (or, at least, Hopefully To-Be-Friends), but around the Popularese, you never know. Maybe a Deep Thinker is hiding under that popular demeanor, yes, but you can never be too careful.

And that last bit - "they haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary" - I meant about me. I don't fit into most social circles, and I felt sure that within a week of being in the same class with me, anyone would have felt it. Humans have great instincts when it comes to social standing (and facial recognition, but that's another long post).

It doesn't seem to have happened that way. Maybe it seems to every one that we're just in different groups of friends, but that we can intermingle as much as we like. And maybe it is that way - maybe I'M the strange and paranoid one, which wouldn't be a first by a long shot. Maybe no one feels that I feel out of the ordinary - maybe I'm camouflaging, somehow, having had casual conversations with several of the Popularese I'm not technically friends with. Maybe I'm a Deep Thinker hiding beneath the thin veil of Casual Normality.

That's not a good thing.

I mean, yes, it's a good thing that I have some sort of protection, but as a general rule of mine, Casual Normality is bad bad bad. I don't like being moored between full-fledged, Neon Lights Announcing Deep Thinker, and someone living by Casual Normality. With me, I think the veil is thinner than that for most people, but still.

I'm not announcing my relative strangeness, but neither am I hiding it. All my Hopefully To-Be-Friends have noticed these strange bits, and everything's still all right. Hopefully that's all it is.

Coming Back

High school is not quite what I expected.
What WAS expected: increased homework. Also, for the first time in, like, three years . . . I'm actually learning something NEW. Science is a big example, and also why it's probably now my favourite class. Before, it was all just projects and reports based on what we already knew . . . but now, I'm actually having to STUDY. It's weird and I feel like I'm out of practice, because I haven't had to technically study for tests for so long.

Oh, yeah - there are tests! Real tests! Not once-a-month checkups like I've grown used to, but once-every-two-weeks tests! I almost like it. You kind of miss the challenge - the . . . I don't know . . . requirement - when it's gone. If you bunched all the test-related-academic stuff from the past three years I bet you would have found a certain amount of uselessness.

I know that sounds like a load of peach fuzz - no tests would be like vacation, right? That's the reaction I got when I explained about the no-test thing to my out-of-school friends: "Oh, you're sooooo lucky!" Not. School is just so much more enjoyable when you're learning new stuff - well, when it comes to science anyway. When it's math and geography, you just take it with a roll of the eyes.

Aaanyways: what WASN'T expected was how NORMAL it feels. No social hierarchy, no cliques, and I got used to it after a few days. The homework feels normal. The rising number of people I know is normal. The extracurriculars are normal too. It's all falling into a routine now, sort of.

What also wasn't expected is the occasional PDA. For example, I see people holding hands a lot, and, yes, I have read about high school romance, but come on! Now that I'm a teenager - and I think I've given this lecture when I talked about my expectations - I realize just how young we actually are. This is no time for getting a romantic record. I cannot possibly VISUALIZE myself in that sort of position, even though I have imagined it countless times.

What was somewhat expected: there being a few people I can't exactly talk to - social blocks. They're popular, they talk to everybody . . . except me. Two of them, I think it's just natural . . . the third, I think she may be very well aware of how she talks to all my friends (or friends-to-be) but ignores me. Even when I try speaking with her. This particular person will be known as Shriek.

I heard from one of my friends that at one point, when things between me and Shriek got slightly awkward - when we were both sort of giving up at friendship attempts - she asked her what she thought of me, and after giving her opinion my friend asked, "Why? What do you think?"

And that's how I found out Shriek thinks I'm annoying.

It's so funny - we're in ideal positions not to like each other. Shriek is the mature, slightly chilly in demeanor, reserved type - you know, not someone who would declare a thumb war or run through sprinklers. I think she finds me over-enthusiastic, or childish, or both - or something. So see, I think she's too Popularese, and I suppose she thinks I'm annoying in the way that kids can be annoying.

It's always nice to hear someone's opinion - NOT an opinion that is "She's okay, I guess" which I feel like would apply to almost everyone else. Too wishy-washy. Blurred, not definite - always there, but not quite in the picture. An extra.

But the thing is, extras and wallflowers are good at watching. Watching the people, watching the stars of the show - and I hear that's something that could make me a better writer. Besides, I'm kind of used to it by now. Whether that's kind of sad, I don't know. But at least I'm not too involved in any soul-sucking social hierarchies.

High School: Following the Stereotype

I've read about high school for what feels like all my life. Many books have shown a few recurring themes: love, popularity, extracurricular activities, and a lot of homework. Now that I am actually going into high school, I realize how the suspense might come to nothing after all - those books do show a sort of stereotype of high school (except the homework. I know better than to think THAT might be misguided). I mean, really - who has a cafeteria with food you can actually buy anymore?

I've composed a list of themes I vaguely expect from high school, and whether or not I think they'll be fulfilled.

1. To make friends. All my childhood friends have drifted away now, and there's nothing I can do to challenge distance and time. I'll be at this school for 4 years - the longest I've ever been at any one school. I hope to find a true friend or two, a circle if I'm really lucky, that will stick around for the years.

2. Romance. The requited kind seems to happen at least once to everyone . . . right? Somehow I can't picture it happening to me. Whenever I pictured myself in high school, when I was little, I guess I sort of thought of myself as this mature, stylish, independent Twist. The thing is, I still feel like me. It's one thing to read about romance from a first-person perspective, but entirely different (probably) in the real world. Romance has never, ever happened to me before, and all the secondhand experience I have from reading so many books might actually be counter-productive.
You know why? All the kinds of romance, what happened and what the characters did (not to mention what worked for them might not work for me) - all the different cases are like shouting, conflicting voices in my head as to what romance might really be like, if it ever does happen to me.
Basically: I have no idea, and every idea, of what to expect of possibly romance.

3. Homework. Of this I have no doubt. I picked up my procrastinator slack a lot this year and I'll have to renew my efforts double-time, if the stories told by books, high school seminars and my mother are any indication.

4. Some measure of popularity and cliques. I think that this is just irrational high school prejudice. I've specifically heard from a student that there are no cliques or popularity pyramids in the school I'm going to, which should be a relief, but I'll believe it when I see it!

5. Some measure of peer pressure when it comes to a) alcohol, b) nicotine. *shudders* I'm pretty sure I have good defences, but you can never be too careful.

6. Extracurricular activities. The school I'm going to is supposed to have a debate club, which I plan to join in a heartbeat . . . if it's there. I went on the school website and searched but saw no mention of a debate club. Who knows? Extracurriculars should also be friend-making opportunities. So we'll see about that.

So you see, I'm enjoying summertime, but there's something to be said for social interaction with people my own age. Maybe I'm still feeling warm and fuzzy from the amazing people at Camp PEAK. But a month is a long time, and I've already had a taste of summer. When school rolls around I'm not going to protest. Starting at a new school is always thrilling, but this? The one thing I know to expect is that high school is in a different league than what I've experienced so far.